20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KEDUAPULUH (20) - END

16.03

Today is the day when I have to start forgetting about you. You've caused too much pain to me. Leaving so many scars on my heart. I have to start erasing you from my memory. I have to delete your photos on my phone. I have to delete all your text messages, whatsapps, vibers. I wouldn't want to do all this. But I have to. I have to think about myself. Thanks for the wonderful memories we've created together for the past 4 months plus. It was short, but I've felt like I've known you for ages. I never regret knowing you. Even with our 7 years age gap, I hardly even noticed it. To me, you're the one and only for me. You completed me.

During those 4 months we spent a lot of time together. We texted everyday, from dawn until midnight. We shared everything. We never get bored with each other. We never ever quarrel, not even once. We never hurt each others feelings. Always missing each other. Always loving each other. At that time I felt like you're the one for me. The one I want to spend my lifetime with. I'm hoping that we'll get married someday and live a happy life together.

But sadly, things didn't go as expected. We have to live our separate ways. It's hard for me to live like this but I have to accept everything. Allah has His own ways. I have to put faith in Qada and Qadar. For now I can only pray to Allah, 'Ya Allah, please give me strength to face the days ahead of me.' I will also pray for your happiness. Please don't treat your new guy how you've treated me. Appreciate him. Take care of him. Don't make him suffer like I did. I wish you guys happiness. May our paths cross again in the future. Till then, take care A. Thanks for everything.

Yours sincerely,

F

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KESEMBILANBELAS (19) part VI

15.03 part VI

I just made a big mistake. Really big mistake. I saw a picture she uploaded on Instagram. Yes and I'm not supposed to do that. And guess what did I see? A pic of her new bf, alone. I was like, what? During our times together you don't even bother to upload my pic? Then suddenly you're just very new (?) with this guy, you decided to upload his pic? Hmmm, thousands of thoughts running through my mind right now. I can't help but to think that you're just using me. Using me to get away from your ex-bf so that you can be with this guy. I'm sorry if I'm wrong but your actions somehow made me think that way. As if I'm just a merely stepping stone to get what you want. Yes, you've made me think that you've been cheating on me since the beginning.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KESEMBILANBELAS (19) part V

15.03 part V

She told me she will always love me no matter what happens. Lie. She promised me she'll never leave me. Lie. She said that she only want me, no one else. Lie. She told me she never wanna make me sad. Lie. Everything is just lies. Big fat lies.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KESEMBILANBELAS (19) part IV

15.03 part IV

Now everything fits. Why she's been avoiding me, ignoring my feelings, ignoring my texts. Why she changed her relationship status on FB so quickly. Why she deleted our pics from Instagram. Why she ignored my replies on Twitter. Why she eagerly wanna end our relationship as soon as possible. She could have waited for a while. But she didn't. Why? Because she already has someone else. And I was dumb to wait for her, waiting until her final exams over, believing she needs some f*cking space for herself. As my heart's been hurting little by little as days goes by, she's been happily spending time with her new boyfriend. As if she doesn't have even a little sense of guilt in her. As if I was nothing to her. I gave her everything that she wants but in the end she just throw me away, just like I'm some sort of a f*cking rubbish. As if love is just a f*cking game. How can she be so cruel, so heartless? I should have anticipated this from the beginning. The way she dumped her ex just for me, and in the end I shared the same fate. Yes, now I know how karma feels like. It's my fault for loving her too much.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KESEMBILANBELAS (19) part III

15.03 part III

I decided I should confront her. I'm not satisfied until I get the definite answer. I texted her. 'Assalamualaikum A. I need to ask you something. And I need you to be honest with me please. Is it true you're with someone else now? I just need an answer, yes or no. If the answer is yes, then I won't bother you anymore. Please don't ignore my message. Thanks.' Waited for 45 minutes till I get her answer. 'YES'. As expected. I knew it. She's been cheating with me all along. I just replied with a simple 'THANK YOU'.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KESEMBILANBELAS (19) part II

15.03 part II

As I scroll her tweets, I spotted a guy she's been very close with. When I viewed that guy's profile picture, my jaw dropped and my mouth suddenly became dry. A's there, with that guy by her side. Not one but 4 pics. My heart crumbled into pieces. I felt cheated. Deceived. Betrayed. To be honest, I have suspected this guy for some time already. He seem pretty close to A. My last whatsapp to her was 'Oh and one more thing, I can't help but to suspect that you got another guy, I'm sorry'. That was the last text before she blocked me off. If it's untrue then why she needs to worry about it. At that time I kinda have the feeling that it's true. And now, I guess I'm not so wrong then. Oh and at one time I trust her to go out with this guy because she's hungry and there's no food at the canteen. Now I know why I shouldn't trust her. I shouldn't. Oh did I mention I've actually asked her if she likes that guy? And guess what? She replied she didn't like him at all. Liar liar pants on fire.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KESEMBILANBELAS (19) - part I

15.03 part I

'I miss her so much. What can I do to ease the pain?' I posted on twitter. Then her best friend replied. I can't keep it any longer. I just need to let them out. I need someone to share my problem. So I told her about our breakup. She kinda have known earlier from my tweet before. She advised me the best thing that I can do is to wait until A finishes her final exam. And I agreed. From now on I'll just have to refrain myself from contacting her, no texts, no twitter comments, no instagram likes. I have to be strong. It's the only way I can think of right now. I'll just have to wait and pray to Allah everyday, hoping that everything will turn back to how it used to be.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KELAPANBELAS (18) part IV

14.03 part IV

She deleted my pic on her Instagram, I just realised it. Hmm she really hates me that much? But why am I still in love with her? Am I stupid? Am I an idiot? Hmm I don't know. It's not that I have a switch button where I can just simply turn it off like that. It's my heart. A heart is not something to be played with :'(

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KELAPANBELAS (18) part III

14.03 part III

Tonight is her 'Malam Pra-Graduan' dinner. She post some pics on Instagram. She looks so pretty. Wearing peplum dress which I love so much. I wanted to say you look gorgeous tonight dear. But no, I can't. I can only watch her from faraway, via her Instagram. Hmm back on those days she would have send me pics of her, almost everyday. Not anymore :(

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KELAPANBELAS (18) part II

14.03 - part II

Just had lunch, I wonder whether she had hers yet. She tweeted that she's hungry. I really wish that I can have lunch with her again. I remembered there was a time when she offered me to share her lunch at the office pantry. I remembered I'll always sit next to her when we're having lunch downstairs. I remembered going out during lunch break just to accompany her having lunch when she's still working at Tutti Frutti. She looks cute with that Tutti Frutti outfit. Oh and sometimes I'll be there for dinner too. And I remembered I stayed there at Tutti Frutti one whole day, just to be beside her. I'll stay with her until the shop closes, then I'll send her back home. Oh yeah and I remembered the staffs there celebrating her birthday together. On weekends, I'll wait for her shift to end, pick her up and head to Setia City Mall for our movie sessions. There was one time when all the movies shown were already seen by us, until we don't know what to watch anymore haha. Then on the way home, I'll just smile like an idiot, I don't know why but I just keep on smiling, maybe because she really made my day precious :')

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KELAPANBELAS (18) part I

14.03 - part I

I wished her good morning again today. No reply again. I guess she's still asleep. Last night she slept quite late I supposed. Doing her measurement and landscape works. She didn't even post anything on twitter. Guess she's really busy then. I really hope I can do anything for her.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KETUJUHBELAS (17) part II

13.03 (part II)

"Tak pernahkah kau sadari akulah yang kau sakiti
Engkau pergi dengan janjimu yang telah kau ingkari
Oh tuhan tolonglah aku hapuskan rasa cintaku
Aku pun ingin bahagia walau tak bersama dia"

This song by Judika always being played on the radio. It hit me hard right there. I hate this song.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KETUJUHBELAS (17) part I

13.03 (part I)

I've sent 4 text messages to her last night and 1 good morning wish this morning. None of them replied. Somehow it hurts me a bit. She told me before that we can be friends after the breakup. Is that a lie too? Hmm, I don't know what's wrong with her. She used to be a very sweet girl. Never ever in those 4 months she ever hurt me, ever, even a bit. But now, all her actions hurt me little by little, I don't know how long my heart can stand. As I write this, I burst into tears. I realised I've been hurt quite badly, I don't know whether I can ever fall in love again. I'm scared. My heart is not that strong. I can't afford to be heartbroken again. :'(

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KEENAMBELAS (16)

12.03

Until 4.30pm, not much on her twitter today. Yeah Tuesday is her busy day, so I guess she's busy attending lectures. Today is the sixteenth day of the breakup, which means half of the 30 days had passed. I should be mentally stabled right now. I should do something. Maybe I'll text her tonight. Just a simple text, like, 'Hi A, how are you?' or 'Hi, you free? Let's chitchat for a bit?' or maybe I should ask her about her presentation, 'How's your presentation? You did well?' Yes I guess I'll do that.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KELIMABELAS (15)

11.03

Today is her final project presentation day. All her efforts and hard work in completing her project will be answered today. I wished her good luck and all the best via SMS but no reply. It's okay I kinda expected that, the important thing is the thoughts that counts. Around 10am, she finished her presentation. Alhamdulillah I think everything went well. She worked so hard for that. I remembered her having trouble with her senior who is one of her group members. She told me everything about her, how stressful it was and I'll constantly be the one calming her, giving her advice. I helped her in giving some materials for her to use, hoping and praying that her group will manage to complete the project in time. I even sometimes accompanied her throughout her sleepless night, neglecting my own sleep just for her. Those were the days where she would depend on me, sharing her problems and thoughts with me. And I appreciate that a lot. But now, things changed. She doesn't seem to care anymore. Avoiding me. Ignoring my existence. When I think of it, I became sad. The girl that once being very close to me, is now keeping her distance away. It's hard for me. Very hard :'(

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KEEMPATBELAS (14)

10.03
Her tweet last night is still lingering in my mind. I can't seem to forget about it. I don't want her to be someone else's. I don't want to lose her. I've tried to forget about her but I just can't. After what she'd done to me, I'm still in love with her. Why am I so pathetic? I'm a guy yet I feel so weak. Yes, when it comes to love, I'm weak. 'All I can do now is pray and hope that everything will turn back to how it used to be,' I tweeted. And her best friend asked me why. But I just said nothing's wrong. Everything is gonna be okay. I think it's better for me to keep it and suffer alone. I'll just have to keep suffering like this until she finishes her final exam. I want her back. I miss her :'(

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KETIGABELAS (13) part II

09.03 (part II)

'if you like me, tell me.' she retweeted. I'm worried. Is she giving some sort of a sign to some guy she likes to confess to her? What should I do? Hmmm... I really hope it's not the case. This really troubles me. 'Ya Allah, kau tabahkan hati hambamu ini. Kau berilah aku kekuatan utk menerima segala ketentuan-Mu dgn hati yg terbuka. Amin' :'(

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KETIGABELAS (13) part I

09.03 (part I)
Saturday. The day when others would be looking forward all week long. But now for me, Saturday is just a day. Nothing. Back on those days I've been eagerly waiting for Saturdays. I would come to her house, pick her up. I would wait her at the 'lorong' so that her parents wouldn't notice. Then I'll bring her to the movies. Having lunch. Spending great time together. Then she'll ask for her favourite Chatime. We'd share our cup of hazelnut milk sitting side by side at the Chatime stools. Before sending her home, we'll have our dinner, sometimes we just prefer to have it at mamak near BJ. Spending time with her, watching her beautiful smile, hearing her cheerful laughter, talking nonsense. Then I'll just look at her eyes and smiled. Those were the little things that made me smile all day. The things that made me a happy person. The little things that mattered the most. I really want those back. I miss them. I miss her.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KEDUABELAS (12)

08.03
Friday. Today I'm wearing my black kurta to work. I haven't worn this shirt since a while. This is the kurta worn during my very first pic taken together with her at the office. I wonder if she's still keeping it in her wallet. I wonder if she's still keeping all my pictures in her phone. I still have. I still have her picture in my wallet. I still keep her pictures that she had sent to me in my phone. I still use her pic as my default whatsapp wallpaper. I still have her names printed on my phone's status screen. Nothing had change. For me, she's still the only one for me, and I don't want another girl. I just don't. Yesterday she retweeted some quote, 'I'll keep you close as long as you won't harm or cause any trouble.' I had the feeling that the quote might be referring to me, I kinda hope it is.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KESEBELAS (11)

07.03
Hmmm today I don't have the mood to do anything. And yeah, until 5.30, I didn't really do anything. The truth is, I miss her. At this time normally she'll text me 'hi sayang' telling me that she'd finished her class. And I'll reply 'hi sayang' back to her. Now it's been a week plus I haven't received those words, and I miss them. I wanna scroll through our old messages but I'm too afraid. I'm too afraid that I'll break down and cry again. Apart from that, seeing her tweets doing her normal routine as if nothing's happened to her had also made my heart ache. As if our break off is nothing to her. How could she? The more I followed her on twitter the more pain my heart will have to endure. I've tried to ignore her but I can't. Deep in my heart, she's still there, and will always be :'(

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KESEPULUH (10) part II

06.03 (part II)
She removed her relationship with me on fb. Well, I should have expected that. She would have removed it on the very first day if she had the opportunity to log in fb I guess. Hmmm, now I'm really worried. Hope she doesn't remove me on fb and block me on twitter. Why did she do that? Why can't she just let that relationship status until we sort it out later? She really doesn't want me back, does she? Hmmm, I'm feeling down right now but I have to be strong. I'm not gonna cry anymore.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KESEPULUH (10) part I

06.03 (part I)
She updated on twitter, she had period cramps. On normal days I would ask her to rest and take care, I would make her feel better. But now, I just simply can't do that anymore. I have to wait until my chocolate is delivered. What is my bro doing? Haven't he delivered the chocolate yet? I have to be patient and wait for her reply upon receiving the chocolate. Then what should I respond? Just a simple 'You're welcome'? Hmmm yeah maybe just that. I just don't know what to say anymore. I just don't want her to think that I'm a nuisance that's always disturbing her daily life. I don't want her to hate me until that extent.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KESEMBILAN (9)

05.03
It's been a week now since our breakup. Not much on her twitter. I wonder how's she doing. Is she okay? Is her studies okay? I knew that she's too busy and got lots of work to do rather than spending time on social networks. I miss her. But how much I've miss her I have to refrain myself from contacting her. I can't afford to be hurt more. I just can't. The fact that she blocked me on whatsapp had put a huge hole through my heart. Just like indirectly saying please don't bother me anymore! I'm just sick and tired with your whatsapp or whatsoever! Thank god she's done nothing on twitter, yet. I hope it stays that way. That's the only medium I can use to be close to her. To know whether she's okay or not.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KELAPAN (8)

04.03
Fresh week to start all over again. I ate like normal, just that my appetite hasn't what it's used to be, but I'm still glad I can eat normally. Even though I can't contact her directly, I just can watch her from afar, following her tweets, instagram. Yeah she's been very busy throughout the week, with her QS Day activities, assignments, projects. She stayed up late everyday. She only slept 2 hours the night before the QS Day. She slept just several hours before her project submission. I felt sorry for her, I wanted to say hi to her but I guess I'm not supposed to do so. I just can pray for her health and hope she can cope with everything, yeah that's the best thing I can do for her right now.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KETUJUH (7)

03.03

I managed to get hold of myself a bit. My parents somehow knew what was happening. Yeah guess I'm no good at hiding things eh, they could just see it. My mum gave me a motherly advice. When she was 21, she had lots of boys admiring her. But at that age she's still unsure of what she's gonna be, who she wanna be with. Yeah I admit 21 is still young to decide things and supposedly I have to anticipate that. Hearing that advice from my mum I felt a lil bit better. I should give A some space. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I have to move on and secretly prayed that I'll be given another chance. I still love her, no matter what. When I love someone, I love her with all my heart, but the downfall is that, whenever you got separated, it would be fatal to your heart. I passed a chocolate to my bro to be delivered to her, hoping that she will sincerely receive my gift.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KEENAM (6)

02.03
Saturday. Not a typical Saturday for me. I'm not in a mood to speak to anyone, just lying on my bed. I really wanted to go to Seri Iskandar but I don't want her to be mad at me. I already prepared some scripts on how I wanna say to her. "Firstly, I wanna apologise to you for the mistakes I've done. I know it's wrong for me to do that, I'm your bf and I'm supposed to protect you, not hurting you, I'm sorry. Second, the main reason I've come this far to see you is because, I miss you and I want us to be together again. I tried living without you for days but I can't. I just can't. I love you so much and I don't wanna lose you. You want me to forget you? How on earth can I do that? To forget the one you truly love? Easy said than done. Please. Come back to me..." :'(

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KELIMA (5)

01.03
Friday. It should be a happy day. But for me, nothing has changed. The constant pain just keep hurting and swelling deep in my heart. I can't seem to put that pain away, no matter how hard I tried. This proves that I do really love her and having the thoughts that she'll never return back to me really scares me. I'm no more the same, always dark and gloomy. I think my family noticed it, same goes to my office mates. I decided to go to Seri Iskandar, to settle this down. But I just found out she came home to get some few things. And I managed to get hold of her via twitter. Getting some replies from her at least calms me a bit.

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KEEMPAT (4)

28.02
I'm starting to get hold of myself, a bit. I managed to reduce my crying hours. I started to take my meals, even though the portion was not much as before. But I still can't get rid of the crying during driving habit. That empty seat next to me had always been occupied before. Always. Suddenly thinking that the seat might not be occupied anymore really breaks my heart :'(

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KETIGA (3)

27.02
I'm weak and exhausted. My unshaven and messy face said it all. My eyes are red and my stomach is empty. I skipped lunch this time. I don't wanna eat. How can I eat when I'm not enjoying my food? My tongue can't taste them anymore. I feel empty. I'm dying to text her but I can't. She ignored me. She hides her last seen status. And at some point I realised, she blocked me. When someone you truly love blocked you, how do you feel? I felt sad, heartbroken, miserable, devastated :'(

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI KEDUA (2)

26.02
The office doesn't feel like office no more. It felt like a prison. Everything I tried to do, she'll always be there in my mind. I can't focus. I can't be alone. When I'm alone, I cried. I cried while driving. I cried while praying. I cried in the toilet. I cried even when I'm doing my work. I just wanna get over with office and go home. I'm so tired and sleepy. I haven't got enough rest from yesterday. But no matter I tried to close my eyes, I end up tears rolling on my cheeks. What have I done to deserve all this? :'(

20 Hari Kehilangan Cinta - HARI PERTAMA (1)

25.02
The day my heart broke into pieces. Shattered on the floor. Just like that. Went straight to my room and shut the world behind me. I cried and cried until my eyes sting. I wish I could just forget about it but I can't. I can't sleep well. Each time I tried sleeping I dreamt of her texting and I woke up. Then I started crying. And when I tried sleeping again, the same thing happen. Over and over again. I didn't had dinner and I felt weak and tired. It's too much for me to handle :'(